Love in the time of Covid 19

I swore off online dating. I was behind in work. I was sick of wasting time. I was jaded and worse, I was becoming superficial. No, online dating was not the platform for me. In the words of John Lennon, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

In a single parent Facebook group I participate in, there’s usually conversation around dating — mostly the online variety. In my opinion, online dating is the best platform for single parents because we can date while our kids are home — no babysitters or special arrangements are necessary. It’s also a lot less expensive.

I posted the question asking what people’s experience was now that we are experiencing “shelter in place”. I was surprised how many people decided this was not the time to online date “What’s the point? We can’t meet right now.”

THIS is exactly the time to online date. People are coming out of the wood work. Yes, there will definitely be people using online dating to fill time. They were there before. I label those people “swiping for sport”. They’re the ones who’s egos need to count matches the way some people play video games.

The odds in online dating are one in 10. It IS a numbers game. Think about it, you can binge watch shows you’ve been dying to catch up on and spend hours watching them or you can use this time to find the love of your life.

Here’s why I’m doing the latter and how there’s a very good chance you can too.

If the odds of online dating are 10%, you can think of online dating right now as speed dating with a lot more options. In only my second day of online dating, I had the equivalent of four coffee dates which I’m now hearing are called “zero dates”. Zero dates take the place of meeting spontaneously in real life and knowing there’s some sort of attraction. Prior to “shelter in place”, you had the opportunity to meet this way. A zero date is just the opportunity to see if there’s an attraction. From there, you go on real dates.

In my first couple of “Covideo Dates” as I am now calling them, I was able to see these men and them me. Did they look like their photos? Did they have weird mannerisms? Could we carry on easy banter? I was also able to ask my screening questions. (I am very clear about what I want. If you don’t know, this is the time to make your list and figure out your musts and deal breakers.) The only effort I had to put into it was a little make up and a charge on my phone.

I decided to pay for one week of Bumble so I could see the men who matched me. It cost $10.99 for the week and I immediately went into my settings and cancelled the subscription so it doesn’t roll over.

Though my normal settings are within 25 miles, this feature meant men I’d matched with when traveling were in my matches. I’m not going to lie, it felt good for my ego to see them. Normally, I wouldn’t even entertain the idea but since we can’t meet anyway and some people are able to relocate, I’ve let go of this “rule”.

Since it’s Bumble and I went first, I scripted a very generic message letting the men know I am using this time to get to know people via video chat and ultimately want to walk out of the house with a man I can have a real life relationship with. My profile also makes it clear that because I work with seniors, I’m following the rules and won’t be meeting anyone in person. If he’s not looking for the same thing, I’ve asked him to unmatch me and wish him the best.

Some men are clearly looking for hook ups and completely ignoring the rules. Some are inviting a woman to be with them and quarantine together. Some men have texted that I should reach out when it’s over. (My answer to this one is, if you don’t want to spend the time getting to know me now, I won’t be reaching out when this is over.)

With Bumble, there is a feature you can video chat so you never have to exchange numbers. Rather than wasting time texting, I am asking to video chat.

You learn a lot about someone by their response.

Imagine, the “shelter in place” is being lifted. You’ve been really getting to know someone over a couple of weeks. You’ve spent hours talking and because you won’t be able to jump into a physical thing, you are able to identify red flags and deal breakers from a more logical place. You give each other tours of your homes. Maybe you even Facetime each other’s kids. You’ve daydreamed together about all the things and places you’re missing while being quarantined and where you can’t wait to bring the other person. You plan the first “in person” date trying to decide if you’ll just kiss right away because you’ve been anticipating it for so long or you’ll spend the time together with that palpable tension and butterflies eagerly awaiting the first kiss which may even be your last.

I will not deny I am a romantic but this seems like a pretty great love story.