I don’t have butterflies and why I hired a dating coach
As someone who never stopped going — probably partly due to being an extrovert and having ADD, I was very rarely alone. With extended chunks of time on my hands from our new pandemic life, like many of us, I started evaluating my life. Where I am. Where I’m not and what’s important.
I’m really proud to say I was pretty happy with my personal inventory. There really was only one area of my life I felt discontent….my love life. I started really looking at my pattern for dating emotionally unavailable men. I’m proud that I began to recognize this earlier and got out of the situations pretty quickly but I still couldn’t figure out why this continued to be my pattern and why it had been a year since I’d been in a relationship. They say you “attract where you’re at”. How could it possibly be I was emotionally unavailable? After all, I’ve done so much work.
As a firm believer that we have to set our intentions and create opportunities for ourselves by our actions, I hired a dating coach. I actually “stumbled” upon her but no longer believe it was merely coincidence.
Laura Rothschild of A Life Reimagined pointed a mirror in my face and showed me things I’d missed. For me, one of my biggest “A-Ha’s” was the realization that I felt guilt around dating. I felt guilt in many areas actually. As a business owner and mom of three girls, I saw non-productive dating as a time suck and an indulgence I couldn’t afford — especially given I already had hobbies (yoga and hiking).
I was dating the way I was working — Cut to the chase. Don’t waste my time. Are you looking for what I’m looking for? I wasn’t giving anything the opportunity to unfold naturally.
Laura looked at my profiles and the text conversations I was having with these men when we started working together. She showed me my inconsistencies in what I said I wanted versus how I was showing up and more importantly she gave me permission to take time away from my life to date. Explaining when I could let go of my guilt, my business and all other areas of my life would likely improve.
Last night I watched the season finale of Labor of Love because my friend Stewart Gill was one of the final two contestants. The show stars Kristy, a woman in her early 40s who has frozen eggs and wants to start a family. Her suitors not only demonstrate they are ready to become fathers by jizzing into a cup to have their sperm counts revealed on national television, but they demonstrate through challenges they would make good fathers. They also enjoy fantasy dates.
Stewart is probably one of the most well rounded, nice and attractive guys I know. He’s incredibly charming and watching him on camera was really fun because I knew he was portrayed accurately. Watching the last episode and the final decision was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. She admitted to Stewart he was everything on her checklist but she didn’t feel the “chemistry” and chose Kyle. A year ago, I would have agreed with her decision. Kyle made her nervous and giddy. Where Stewart felt like a sure thing…a man who’d be stable and reliable.
Before I even looked up “where are they now”, I knew the answer. Kyle and Kristy did not work out. Why did I know? Because I’ve spent my entire life chasing men who gave me butterflies and dismissing the ones who fit the checklist and would treat me well. I’ve grown to understand those butterflies are our body’s way of expressing anxiety and alerting us to something being “not quite right”. Even when I began dating my ex-husband, he was dating multiple women and I had to “win” him over. Sadly, growing up with a lot of instability gave me an anxious attachment style and what was comfortable for me was my pattern of working to win a man’s love.
I’ve recently started dating someone who is pretty much everything on my “checklist” with slight improvements in some of the areas and one that normally would have been a deal breaker. He is kind, funny, cute, sweet, intelligent and thoughtful. We share spiritual and religious beliefs. He sends me good morning and good evening texts and little messages throughout the day. He is willing to drive 30 minutes to pick me up for a date because he knows I get tired when I drive at night.
Old me, like Kristy, would have dismissed this new relationship because I don’t feel butterflies. WIth Laura’s help, I’m breaking my old pattern and tuning into my body differently. Now comfort and ease are replacing anxiety. I’m paying attention to all of the good things and allowing someone to treat me the way I always said I wanted to be treated.
Part of the courage that propelled me to suggest a separation and ultimately divorce was the realization that I had three daughters who would be watching the way I allowed myself to be treated in my marriage. I can only hope one day, they will find men who will treat them the way I am being treated. It’s still way too early to tell whether this relationship will be my last but I do know with certainty the next time I feel butterflies, I’m going to run the other way.